


Fragile

by NateTheWolf



Series: Cruelty Series [2]
Category: Doctor Who
Genre: Angst, Bit of Fluff, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Therapy, after effects of psychological torture
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-09
Updated: 2021-02-07
Packaged: 2021-02-28 23:21:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 11,620
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23075422
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NateTheWolf/pseuds/NateTheWolf
Summary: How Yaz is dealing with being back on Earth, space therapy, and her still lingering thoughts about Mya.
Relationships: Thirteenth Doctor/Yasmin Khan
Series: Cruelty Series [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1658401
Comments: 9
Kudos: 36





	1. Without You

Yaz had started to walk down to the park. It wasn’t that long of a walk, and a nice day so she figured she’d get there on her own, despite her mother’s protests. Ryan, Graham and the Doctor had agreed to go on a picnic on Earth, and where to have it. Heritage park, close enough to her house in case she needed to go home, either for her or her mother’s sake. Despite the reasoning, she enjoyed the walk. The fresh air, the warmth from the sun, the freedom. It was good. Everything was good.

She just got to the area of the park where they agreed to meet, and saw her friends in the not so far distance, all sat around a blanket, an empty space between Ryan and the Doctor reserved just for her. They looked happy. The Doctor laughed at a joke Graham had said, yet Ryan just looked confused, clearly not understanding it. Graham was facing away from her, and Ryan and the Doctor would have seen her from the corner of their eyes if they needed to. She was safe, she knew that. Even more so when the blonde waved at her, yet didn’t move up from her spot on the blanket. It wasn’t that much of a surprise, since she didn’t need to, Yaz was only about a minute away from them anyway. She didn’t even feel the need to speed up like she usually would when she saw her friends and they saw her.

But that was odd, wasn’t it?

Shaking that thought away, she took a deep breath to calm herself and carried on walking to them. She noticed that the Doctor had started a story about one of her clumsier adventures with almost animated hand movements, clearly exaggerating something or specifying a big thing. Yaz just about heard the word ‘huge’ through a giggle and a few snickers from the lads. She was cute when she went on tangents in her stories, usually about how she ended up stuck somewhere, or met a historical figure.

Suddenly, her vision started to blur. Her limbs felt heavy as every step turned sluggish, every ounce of strength going into each movement. Panic coursed through her as she reached a trembling hand out to her friends, attempting to call for the blonde. To scream for help. Nothing. She felt tired as she slumped to the ground, watery eyes still staring at her friends, hoping they would notice her. Notice her paralyzed on the ground, trying to get their attention. Nothing. They didn’t even glance in her direction. She was a mere foot away, arm still stretched out.

“Don’t even bother.”

A voice, a terrifyingly familiar voice, came from above her. Two feet stepped in front of her, blocking her view of her friends. 

The figure knelt down; a smirk plastered on her face. “They don’t care about you. You’re just being a pain, overly sensitive. Trust me, I know how much of a nuisance it is having to walk on eggshells with someone. Having to not say or do something for their sake, them not even taking into consideration of your own well-being. You’re just being selfish. Look at them.”

Mya stepped aside and gestured to her friends. Yaz couldn’t do anything but choke out a sob as she tried her best to move, to run. Even if it was just to hide behind the Doctor. Anything to get away from Mya. Yet nothing was working. All she could do was watch as her friends laughed at another joke.

“They’re happy,” her voice echoed. “ _ Without you _ .”

Yaz awoke with a start, bolting up in her bed as she screamed. The moment that she realised she was awake, that it was just a nightmare, she managed to calm herself down, yet was still wary of everything around her. She gulped as she stopped herself from crying, knowing if her mother found her sat in bed in hysterics, she’d try to get Knowles or Parry there to talk. She figured she couldn’t even tell anyone about the dream, seeing as it wouldn’t make sense to anyone human. 

_ Maybe Hyacinth? _

Shrugging, she got up and stretched. She didn’t hear anyone outside her room, so her family must have been out or at work. Maybe Sonya and  Najia were at work and Hakim went to get food. It was good that they were out. At least she wouldn’t have to argue or have her mum glare at her when she left to meet her friends for the picnic.

_ The picnic... _

Yaz shook her head, knowing what happened in her nightmare wouldn’t happen in reality. Even if Mya did try something, the Doctor would help.

_ Wouldn’t she? _

Her phone buzzing made her jump out of her thoughts and quickly grab it. She sighed when she saw it was the Doctor. Odd. Usually the Doctor would just turn up out of nowhere, not text her  beforehand .

_ Doctor: Hey! Am I picking you up or meeting there? _

After a few moments thought, she bit her lip as she regrettably typed out her message.

_ Yaz _ _ : Hey Doctor. Sorry but can we do this another time? I can’t do it now. _

_ Doctor: Oh sure, no  _ _ probs _ _! _

Yaz sighed in relief and chucked her mobile on her bed before stretching. She  _ needed _ to cancel. She knew she would always be on edge after that nightmare; however, she also didn’t want to be alone. Her phone buzzed before she figured out what to do for the day.

_ Doctor: Okay remind me never to say ‘probs’ again. _

She laughed at that.

_ Doctor: I’ll text Graham now so you don’t have to. Can I come over though? _

_ Yaz _ _ : Sure _

Suddenly, she heard the TARDIS outside. She rushed to her window to see the blonde hopping out of her ship and walking over to the building. 

_ Yaz _ _ : Doctor! I’m not even dressed yet! _

_ Doctor: Oh! Sorry! Okay I’ll wait out here. Text when you’re decent. _

She laughed when she saw her walk back, however, she didn’t walk in. She merely leaned against the  door; her arms crossed over her chest. 

_ Yaz _ _ : Are you really going to stand outside the TARDIS? _

_ Doctor: Yup! _

The Doctor looked up at her window immediately after, and waved at her with a huge grin on her face.  Yaz rolled her eyes but waved back before she hurried to get changed.

_ Yaz _ _ : Okay, I’m ready now you can come up. _

_ Doctor: Great! Be up now! _

_ Yaz _ _ : Doors open. _

She put her phone in her back-jean pocket and glanced at the window again to see the Doctor gone. Guessing she was excited to see her, she walked into the living room to double check her family were gone. The TV wasn’t on, so her assumption was right.

Her phone buzzed again.

_ Doctor: No, it’s not. _

Rolling her eyes, Yaz walked to the front door, unlocked and opened it. The Doctor looked up from her mobile and pocketed it, smiling up at her.

“I meant you could have walked in instead of knocking,” she laughed when she saw her. “Come in, come in.”

“Thanks,” she grinned as she stepped in and closed the door. “Graham said it was okay that we had to cancel-”

“We?”

“Well, I might have said that I couldn’t either. Didn’t want all the heat on you, if that makes sense?”

“That makes perfect sense,” Yaz smiled at her. “Thanks, a lot.”

“Oh, and Hyacinth needs to cancel this week but we can always jump to your next appointment if you need it.”

“Um...”

“It’s okay if you don’t want to-”

“Maybe later?”

“Okay. What do you want to do in the meantime?”

Yaz looked around the flat, checking the time, seeing if there was any note. She didn’t know when they left or how long her family would be gone for. Shrugging, she gestured to the sofa. They could always move when someone comes back.

“Watch TV?”

“Sure!” the Doctor grinned as she slumped on the sofa, kicking off her boots and made herself sit cross legged. “What do you want to watch?”

“Whatever’s on,” Yaz  shrugged as she walked to the kitchen. “Tea?”

“Please,” she nodded as she picked up the remote. “Four sugars!”

“Yeah,” she forced out a small laugh as she turned the kettle on and found two mugs. “I remember.”

She glanced up at the blonde, bopping her head along to a sitcom opening music happily. Yaz frowned as she picked up the tea bags and put them into the mugs before grabbing the milk from the fridge, vivid memories of her nightmare flashing in her mind.

_ “They’re happy without you.” _


	2. In The Moment

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Possible tw for panic attack and PTSD.

“Are you okay Yaz?”

She looked up at the blonde slightly, noticing her concerned expression. It was almost calculating, as if she were trying to work out how to respond to her answer, how she can make it more light-hearted rather than an  interrogation . It was such a sudden change from her laughing at the TV it caught Yaz off guard.

“Yeah,” she forced a smile. “Why are you asking that all of a sudden?”

“That’s the first time you’ve smiled since you sat down,” the Doctor frowned slightly, looking over her. “Even if that is forced.”

“Sorry,” she sighed, knowing it was useless to lie to her. “M-Maybe I need that appointment  after all ...”

“We can go now if you want?”

“Um-”

“Oh, hey,” Sonya walked into the flat, smiling at them once she  realised they were there. “Weren’t you going out today?”

“The boys had to cancel,” the Doctor jumped in before Yaz could say the real reason they were watching TV. She was thankful for that. “So, I came over to keep her company.”

“What are you watching?” she asked as she shut the door and walked over to the sofa. 

“Friends,” Yaz shrugged before standing up. “We were just leaving actually, the Doctor said she’ll drive me to my appointment.”

“Are you going to be back on time?” Sonya asked, trying to be snarky like usual but she could hear the concern laced in her voice.

“Should be,” she sighed. “C’mon Doctor, we’re gonna be late.”

“Yeah, right,” she muttered as she stood up from the sofa and collected her boots. She waited until she was outside to shove them on. Yaz waited for her, checking she had her keys in her red leather jacket before she closed the door. Luckily, they were there from when she last left the house. She must have forgotten to take them out.

They made their way down to the TARDIS in a rather uncomfortable silence. The blonde skipped down the stairs, surprisingly not falling, whereas Yaz lagged behind, staring at her feet as she walked. Once they got to the time  machine, she leaned on one of the golden pillars. The only sound was the low, gently, hum of the TARDIS and buttons being pressed as her friend whizzed around the console. It was awkward, at least for Yaz. So much so that she felt the need to explain her attitude and sudden changes in what she wanted to do today.

“Sorry, I just didn’t need-”

“No need to explain,” the Doctor smiled up at her as she typed in coordinates. “Nightmares are  tricky things.”

“N-Nightmares?” Yaz looked up at her, eyes finally meeting since they left the flat.

She stopped typing and stared at her friend, worry written all over her face. “Oh... Sorry, I wasn’t suppos-”

“How did you know?”

“Um,” she looked away momentarily. “Just how you were acting, and suddenly wanting out of the picnic – did it involve that?”

Shrugging, the brunette pushed herself off the pillar, knowing it was about to move. “You don’t read minds, do you?” 

“Touch telepath actually, so yes?” the blonde tilted her head as she thought, but saw the rather alarmed look on her friend’s face. “But I haven’t in yours, don’t worry. I would never do that to you.”

“O-Okay,” Yaz sighed, shaking her arms slightly as she looked around the console, as if she were shaking droplets of water off her.

“Do you want to talk about it?” she asked quietly, cautiously, as she pulled the leaver.

“It’s fine,” the brunette shook her head and looked away from her friend up at the console, focusing on the glow of the crystal as it moved vertically. It stopped just as quickly as it started.

“We’re here, just outside the waiting room. Five minutes early.”

“Better than last time,” Yaz muttered as she shrugged, making her way to the door.

“You were on  time before,” the Doctor said as she followed, confusion evident in her voice.

“You were three minutes late,” she laughed as she walked out. The moment she did she was met with Hyacinth, stood by the door, a smile on her face. “Oh, hi.”

“Hi Yaz,” she greeted. “And hello Doctor, early now. Making up for  last time?”

“Just three minutes,” she mumbled, pouting as she looked away. Hyacinth laughed good naturedly at her, like she always did when the Doctor would get  embarrassed .

Yaz had gone to Hyacinth for around five weeks now, and it took two months for her to be let into the establishment because she was human. Until she started attending it was for alien type species, mainly because humans never got this type of torture set on them before. Yaz had though. The Doctor tried to get any therapist since Hyacinth was busy, but they all declined. Luckily, she talked to her former therapist and agreed to switch things around. It meant that sometimes dates were unreliable, or switched ‘last minute’ but she had it now, and that was important. 

Not being able to talk to anyone about this had been eating at her. It didn’t help that every few weeks her colleagues would come around the house to keep her and her family updated on the case. On how they haven’t found them yet. It would make  Najia worry every time, and get a bit stricter on when her daughters were allowed outside. Sometimes all Sonya could do was go to work, or only go out if one of her trusted friends were picking her up from the flat. Yet any time Yaz heard the news, she would become more anxious about it, and sometimes relive a moment or two of her time with Mya.

“I’ll wait outside like usual,” the Doctor addressed her, pulling Yaz away from her troubled thoughts. “Take your time.”

“You really don’t have to-”

“I know, but I should,” she nodded, as if she were convincing herself. “I want to.”

“Okay," Yaz sighed. Hyacinth merely gestured to the room with a smile. She smiled back nervously as she headed into the room. It was originally called ‘Client Room 2’ but they agreed not to and just call it the ‘talking space’ because any mention of room numbers would send Yaz spiralling.

“So, how have you been Yaz?”  Dr. Lester asked once they had sat down and the door was shut.

“Alright,” she shrugged.

“Something happened then?”

Yaz looked up at her, “how did you know?”

“You’re more closed off than usual,” she smiled kindly at her as she put her pen down. “Something’s freaked you out, made you more cautious. It’s okay if you don’t want to talk about it today, or at all. We can just draw or listen to music like you did before.”

The first session was rather laid back. She didn’t know how to talk about what she had been through, and didn’t know how much the Doctor had said. So, she drew for the majority of the two hours, only stopping when she ended up sketching the bed she was cuffed to, and the cuffs with electric ‘attached’ to it, which made Lester question what it was. That was when she started talking more.

“Just,” she spoke after the minute of silence, contemplating whether she should sketch again. She paused as she started to consider it again. “Just a stupid nightmare.”

“It’s not stupid if it’s bothering you,” Hyacinth said calmly. “Do you remember bits of it or all?”

Yaz looked away, her face scrunched up as she tried to think. She didn’t necessarily want to recall what happened, didn’t want to spiral. However, she knew she would have to say something eventually.

“Parts I guess?” she mumbled.

“Why don’t we try playing a game?” she asked as she closed her folder.

“A game?” Yaz raised a brow, laughing slightly at the notion. “What, are we  gonna play Monopoly?”

Hyacinth stared at her blankly for a moment. “If that’s a game I’m  unfamiliar with it.”

“Oh uh, yeah, it’s a board game,” she giggled nervously. “It was a human joke...”

“Okay,” she nodded. “So, do you want to try it?”

“Um, sure...”

“Try closing your eyes.”

She did so. Before she could adjust to the darkness and try not to feel anxious, the therapist spoke softly.

“What comes to mind when I say Doctor?”

“The Doctor,” she smiled slightly. She felt relief that the Doctor was outside waiting for her, like she had done all the other times. It was nice. It was also quite amusing imagining her sitting still for a few hours. Yaz wouldn’t be surprised if she started tinkering with the hinges of the doors out of boredom soon.

“Yasmin?”

She flinched. Recently, it had only been Mya that called her by her first name, and since she got back, she insisted everyone called her Yaz, no matter who they were. With her not being able to see anything, and that name echoing around her in her head, she was brought back to the deprivation torture.

“Sorry, sorry. Yaz,” came the gentle voice of Lester, but it didn’t help. Distracted her for a moment, sure, but she still spiralled.

Her leg jutted.

“Yaz? You can open your eyes now,” she said, sounding only an inch away from her now.

“N-No,” Yaz shook her head, eyes screwed shut. Her hands balled into fists at her side as she tried to control her breathing. She felt a tap on her arm. Logistically, it would be Hyacinth, trying to get her out of panicking, but logic left her mind as soon as she closed her eyes. Another tap. The fear that somehow Mya was in the room, poking her, trying to get her to open her eyes, made Yaz refuse to open them. Just in case she was there. In case she made eye contact with her. In case her worst fear was true.

“Should I get the Doctor-”

“It’s her fault,” she said weakly, just above a whisper.

“It’s not her fault Yaz,” the soft, if concerned, voice said. There was a shuffle of movement, but she still didn’t open her eyes.

“Y-You never said that before...”

“Yaz, please open your eyes-”

“No,” she snapped, pushing herself back into the chair with a small whimper. Her arms itched to be scratched as a feather like touch traced along them. She struggled slightly against invisible bonds.

“Yaz-”

“S-Sorry,” she whimpered, voice cracking. “Please... D-Don't. I-I didn’t mean to s-snap at you...”

“You,” the voice paused, clearly troubled. “You think you’ve done something wrong?”

Yaz nodded meekly, shrinking down in her seat. “I’m s-sorry...”

“What did you do wrong?” the voice should have sounded mocking, maybe even condescending, but it wasn’t. It was more laced in concern and idle curiosity. It was off-putting.

“I-I raised my voice... Was disrespectful...”

“You know the punishment for that?”

Yaz nodded, shifting in her seat. “P-Please-”

“What is it?” 

“What?” she looked up confused, assumingly facing at her tormentor.

“Tell me what the punishment is,” the voice urged, however softly.

“I-I will,” she gulped. “Um... G-Get hurt? T-The  mind thing you can do-”

“The mind thing?”

“Please,” Yaz begged, tears running down her face. “I-I swear I w-won't do anything... T-This can carry on I won’t-”

“What will carry on?” the voice asked suddenly, it made her flinch.

“D-Deprivation?”

“Yaz,” the voice sighed. “This isn’t deprivation.”

“Y-You’re-”

“You can open your eyes now.”

“N-No-”

“Please, open your eyes Yaz. You can do it.”

She shook her head, shifting in her seat. “I-I can’t-”

“Yaz?” she stilled at the voice. The gentle, caring voice of the Doctor. “Yaz, please, open your eyes, for me.”

She whimpered. “B-But-”

“You’re safe here, I promise-”

“Not safe anywhere,” Yaz frowned, shaking her head.

“Right now,” she felt hands gently hold hers and brought them to her lap. That made her think. When was she untied? When was she bound in the first place? “Please Yaz, you’re safe here. You can open your eyes. I promise it’s just me and Hyacinth here. Nobody else.”

Slowly, she opened one eye, flinching when she saw a blurred blonde figure in front of her. As she blinked, adjusting to the light of the room, a sharp pain in between her eyes vanished as quickly as it came. She noticed the Doctor was in front of her, kneeling down on the floor, holding her hands.

“Hey,” she smiled up at her.

“H-Hey,” Yaz smiled, grateful to see her. However, before she could allow herself to feel happy at seeing her friend, a thought popped into her head. “Wait... T-That wasn’t r-real?”

“No,” the Doctor said quietly, almost sympathetically. “It wasn’t, I think you were just reliving for a bit. And I’m sure whatever happened to make you do that will not happen again.”

“It won’t,” Hyacinth said when the blonde side-eyed her. “I’m sorry that you had to go through that and that I took advantage of it-”

“H-How did you take advantage?” Yaz asked as she turned to the alien.

“I somewhat pretended to be her,” she said, a guilty expression on her face as she looked away. “I wondered if it would get you to open your eyes to see there was no danger.”

“But all I did was spiral,” she muttered, as if she were in a daze.

“Yes,” Hyacinth nodded. “I’m sorry. Usually when I ask people to close their eyes, they... Well they don’t do that.”

“Do you want to go home?” the Doctor asked. “We can cut this short if you want to.”

“Um,” Yaz sniffed and wiped at her eyes. “I uh...”

“If you don’t want to that’s totally okay-”

“Maybe just stay for a little bit?”

The Doctor nodded, whereas Hyacinth looked a bit confused. The blonde stood up slowly, letting go of Yaz’s hands as she headed for the door. “I’ll just be outside if you need me.”

“Okay,” she nodded, forcing a small smile as she watched her friend leave and shut the door.

“May I ask why you did that?” Lester asked cautiously as she sat down in her chair.

“Did what?”

“Say your decision in a form of a question,” she stated, which made Yaz confused. What she said next set off her fight or flight instincts. “Almost as if you were asking her permission to stay.”


	3. Personal

“Back home, one and a half hours after you left. Maybe your parents are back?” 

Yaz checked her phone as she walked out. “Nope. No messages asking where I am, they’re still out.” 

“Leaves you with your sister,” the Doctor shrugged as she followed her outside. “That alright? I just need to get my screwdriver back from Hyacinth-” 

“Since when did she have your screwdriver?” she raised a brow as she pocketed her mobile. 

“She doesn’t,” she leaned against the TARDIS’ door. “It’s just before you came out, I was messing with it and it flung across the waiting room. I forgot about it until we landed.” 

“You forgot?” 

“Yes?” 

“Okay,” Yaz drawled out, not entirely believing the story. “Well I should probably talk to Sonya a bit since we actually have this time alone. Want to meet up tomorrow? Maybe try again for the picnic?” 

“Sure! Just text me a time and place,” she grinned. “Do you want me to walk you back or?” 

“Think I can manage from here to my door,” she laughed slightly. It was odd how protective the Doctor had been since they were able to hang out together again, but it was nice. Surprising though, since Yaz had been so distant from her until a month ago. 

“Ah yeah,” she smiled sheepishly. “Yeah, ‘course you can. See you tomorrow then.” 

“You’re going to jump ahead aren’t you?” 

“Maybe?” 

Yaz laughed and shook her head. “I’ll see you tomorrow Doctor.” 

The Doctor nodded as she walked back inside the TARDIS and Yaz headed to the flat. As she was walking up the stairs, she noticed the blue box hadn’t disappeared yet, and she reckoned it was so her friend could make sure she go home safe, or home at all. It was a rather frightening thought that even the short walk from the time machine to her flat could be dangerous. However, knowing her friend was keeping an eye on her made her anxiety lessen. 

When she opened the door, she saw Sonya sitting on the sofa with a hot chocolate in her hands, feet curled up to her side. “Oh hey. How was therapy?” 

“Personal,” she shrugged as she slumped down on the sofa next to her. When she saw the annoyed look on her sister’s face she sighed. “Sorry. Just... Emotionally exhausting...” 

“It’s okay,” she nodded slightly and put her hot chocolate on the floor. “Mum rang, said they're going to be late home.” 

“Where are they anyway?” 

“Running errands, at nans, probably bickering over conspiracies about shopping,” she waved her hand dismissively. Sonya then picked up her empty mug and walked to the kitchen. “Um... Where’s your friend?” 

“She had to run some errands,” Yaz turned around to face her. Not much of a lie, since she had no clue where the Doctor had gone. Although, she could guess by how angry she seemed at Hyacinth for the misstep, she had gone back to scold her. Despite this on her mind, she noticed the uneasy look on her sister’s face. “What’s wrong?” 

Sonya looked up at her. “Hmm?” 

“Don’t make me pry it out of you,” she groaned. “I can see by the look on your face that something’s up so what is it?” 

“Ramesh and Josh came by,” she said quietly, her hands shoved in her dungaree pockets. 

“Oh?” Yaz stood up, wondering what got her so awkward. “What did they say?” 

“Since mum or you weren’t here, they just said it quickly-” 

“And what they said was?” 

“Still haven’t found the person,” Sonya looked up at her, shuffling on the spot. 

“And they won’t,” Yaz sighed, turning around to sit back on the sofa. “They won’t find them-” 

“Them?” 

_Fuck._

“Um-” 

Sonya rushed over to the sofa and sat next to her. “You’re remembering then? And why are you so sure they won’t get caught?” 

Yaz shifted in her seat. “Well... I don’t remember much, and there aren’t any leads.” 

“But you’ve remembered there was more than one-” 

“I-I don’t want to talk about it,” she shook her head and stood up. 

“Sorry-” 

“It’s,” Yaz hugged herself, subconsciously scratching at her arms. “I don’t... It’s been hard okay?” 

“I understand, sorry Yaz,” Sonya apologised with a small sigh. “It’s just... You know how worried mum gets now.” 

“Yeah,” she nodded. She turned around and slumped back down on the sofa. “I’m sorry. This is the first time we’ve been alone since I got back and it’s all about me and my stupid trauma-” 

“It isn’t stupid-” 

“I’m supposed to be getting better-” 

“You’re getting there-” 

“Am I?” she turned to face her, guilt evident in her features. “I’m still distant from you lot, I...” 

“You’re better than you were when we got you back,” Sonya said softly. “Before you wouldn’t speak to us without almost breaking down. Now you’re still... Well you do talk to us, and you’re sleeping more, and the way you’re sleeping with your arm-” 

“What?” 

“Huh?” 

“You..” Yaz trailed, trying to control her breathing, trying to calm herself down. “S-Since when have you seen me sleep?” 

“Oh, I went into your room when you were asleep to check on you,” she twisted her hands together in her lap, clearly nervous about this admission. “And saw your arm up against the headboard... One time it was tied there with an elastic hairband. I-I haven’t told mum and dad, didn’t want them to worry about it.” 

“Do you know why?” she asked, barely above a whisper as she stared forward, avoiding eye contact. 

“No,” Sonya shook her head. “But I can guess.” 

“Yeah?” 

“Something you’re used to? Can’t sleep without it?” 

Yaz nodded, still not looking at her sister. She didn’t want to see the pity in her eyes. “Yeah... Something like that...” 

Sonya shuffled closer to her and gingerly wrapped an arm around her shoulders. “You don’t have to, but we can talk about anything y’know? Mum and dad don’t have to know anything if you don’t want them to.” 

“I,” Yaz started, a catch in her throat. Surprisingly, she leaned into her younger sister. “I love you, y’know that right?” 

“I love you too,” she huffed out, as if she was trying not to laugh. “Loser.” 

There it was. Sonya’s usual way to show she was worried about her, or just couldn’t articulate their feelings so they would do the usual banter. At this point, its normalized things between them. Elevated the tension. 

Yaz laughed as she wrapped an arm around her waist and pulled her closer. “Thanks.” 

After a while of them hugging in silence Sonya shifted her head from resting against her sister’s to facing her properly. “Anything you want to talk about since we have this time alone?” 

“I don’t know,” she shrugged. “Don’t really want to focus on me right now though.” 

“Alright,” Sonya nodded. “We can watch tv? Find a movie?” 

“What about you?” 

“What about me?” she raised a brow. 

“How’s work?” Yaz shifted to face her, now sitting up. 

“It’s alright,” she shrugged. “People are annoying tho-” 

“You haven’t actually told them, have you?” 

“Some of them?” she squinted as she raised her shoulders, as if she were questioning herself. “Just the really annoying ones.” 

“Sonya,” Yaz groaned, which was met with a roll of the eyes. “You can’t do that all the time; you could get fired.” 

“I’ll get another job,” she shrugged. 

Rolling her eyes, she sighed at her sister’s carefree attitude to her job. As she looked over her, she caught sight of a silver chained blue gem cat necklace that she hadn’t seen before. 

“When did you get this?” she asked as she gently put grabbed it to have a closer look. “Haven’t seen you wear it.” 

“Mum got it for my birthday,” Sonya waved her hand dismissively. ”Haven’t worn it much. Plus, we haven’t had a talk like this in a while with me busy with wor-” 

“Birthday? Your birthday isn’t until Nov...” Yaz trailed off, eyes widening as it dawned on her. 

“Yeah,” she said with a meek nod. 

“I missed your birthday... W-Why didn’t anyone tell me?” 

“Honestly I forgot,” Sonya shrugged. “And you had just come back. It’s only one birthday anyway, it doesn’t matter.” 

“It’s your eighteenth-” 

“We didn’t do much for it anyway-” 

“Oh my god you’re eighteen now,” she breathed out, the reality of the situation hitting her. “I... We have to do something.” 

“It’s just a birthday,” Sonya laughed. “I have one this year, we can do something for it then.” 

“But,” Yaz started, yet had no other arguments left. She merely sighed. “Fine, yeah we can do something then. What did you do anyway?” 

“Saw a friend,” she shrugged. “Got this necklace from mum and a rather bad birthday cake done by dad.” 

“Chocolate?” 

“Well, we ran out of milk chocolate so he did dark and white... It was somehow dry and gooey,” she laughed. “Wasn’t the best attempt, but it was a last-minute thing.” 

“Right,” Yaz nodded, then laughed slightly. “Dry and gooey, huh, like the time he tried to make brownies and burnt them.” 

“Oh yeah,” Sonya giggled. “That was the only time he tried to make them.” 

“For a first attempt it wasn’t so bad,” she shrugged, yet had a big smile on her face remembering that day. 

“Nothing can be worse than when he tried banoffee cake and didn’t have ripe bananas.” 

“I actually don’t remember eating that,” she looked down confused. 

“Well you’re lucky,” Sonya laughed, nudging her. “Hey, that’s an idea.” 

“What?” 

“We could bake something?” she raised a brow. “Surely we have something in the cupboards?” 

“You want to bake?” Yaz questioned. 

“C’mon,” she dragged her sister up and to the kitchen. “Why don’t we make something sweet?” 

“Like what?” she laughed as she took off her jacket and threw it on a chair. 

Sonya shrugged as she looked through the cupboards. “Dunno, let’s find ingredients first.” 

Shrugging, Yaz followed suit and started raiding the cupboards with her. It took a while but they managed to find enough ingredients and a recipe for a batch of golden syrup and raisin flapjacks. They agreed to put music on as they worked and chatted. There was a small debate over music taste but they agreed to stick to one genre, and carried on with the measuring. 

“What if we just winged it?” Sonya suggested as she poured the oats into the bowl. 

“We don’t want to pull a dad remember?” Yaz laughed as she looked at the scales, making sure the amount was right. 

“He hasn’t made flapjacks before,” she argued when she put the oats aside. “He doesn’t like them.” 

“Yeah well, we still want them to be edible.” 

Sonya didn’t say much on it after that. They managed to stick to the recipe and not get too much syrup everywhere – despite Sonya’s trick of dripping it in her mouth from the spoon and flicking it at Yaz’s face, leaving her with sticky syrup on her nose and mouth. They laughed it off though and luckily didn’t end in a food fight like they did when they were younger. 

Once it was done and the supplies were cleaned and left to dry, they crashed on the sofa and watched some shows. Sonya claimed she was cold and grabbed her fleece blanket from her room before snuggling up on the sofa next to Yaz. She left quite a bit by her feet, which made it clear she wanted her sister to take it, whether she was cold or not. Sure, it wasn’t the warmest weather, but it wasn’t cold enough for her to have a blanket on her. Despite this, she grabbed the left-over part of the blanket and put it on her lap. 

It was nice. These quiet moments with any family member, not seeing pity or worry on their face if she flinched at something. It felt like a normal day baking with her sister, laughing at jokes, reminiscing about their past and cooking disasters. Better than when they were around friends and they’d find something to annoy each other with. Granted, it didn’t happen often since she came back, but Sonya had always been wary of how she showed her feelings towards anyone, or what she said, so it took some time but Yaz recognised the subtle things she would do to look after her older sibling, and show how much she actually cares for her. 

From her rather mentally exhausting day, Yaz started to drift off on the sofa when it was clear there was nothing else to talk about and they watched some tv show they had seen before. She felt Sonya shuffle slightly, and no doubt noticed she was slowly drifting. After the little jump awake from her head falling, she shifted to rest her head on the arm of the sofa, resting on her arm with her hand sticking out, hanging off the furniture. Once she was in a comfortable position, she found sleep much easier. 


	4. Clever Girl

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was in my head and kinda quickly written so it's short.

Yaz woke up with a start, tears in her eyes as she gripped onto the sofa. Another nightmare. Of course, she was getting them again. Calming herself down she sighed, blinking a few times.

“Yaz?” she jumped when Sonya moved to kneel in front of her. She looked up at her worriedly. “You okay there?”

“Oh uh, y-yeah,” she gulped, nodding as she turned away from her. Shakily, she stood up. “I’m  gonna go to my room.”

“Hey girls,”  Najia walked in and set three shopping bags down.

“Hey mum,” Sonya greeted, yet didn’t take her eyes off of her sister.

“Hey,” Yaz mumbled, pushing past her to the hallway.

“Can you two help with these?” she asked. “Your dad’s getting the rest from the car.”

“I’m’ust gonna go to m’room,” she mumbled, not even sure she said all the words.

“Yasmin Khan, help us with the shopping now!”  Najia raised her voice, clearly annoyed by how distant Yaz had been recently, and how much she refused to partake in chores or just simply helping the family.

Yaz froze. Hearing her full name made her remember Mya, and how she would use it to antagonise her. The itch came back. She gripped onto her arms, trying to control her breathing. The scratching didn’t help.

“Mum,” she heard Sonya whisper harshly, scolding her.

“This is ridiculous,” she groaned. “We should be able to use the name I gave you!”

“We are, we’re just using the  shortened version,” Sonya argued back.

Yaz twirled around, ready to chime in, but all she saw was Mya leering over her with her trademark smirk. Scared, she squeezed her eyes shut, hoping it was just her imagination.

“Yaz?”

Opening them, she saw it was just her mum in front of her. Her eyes wide, tears threatening to spill, she huffed out a strangled laugh. “She really did it...”

“What?”  Najia asked softly. “Who did? Did what?”

“She wanted to break the human mind and she... She did it... I’m broken,” Yaz didn’t look at anyone as she explained her thought process, she merely looked at the floor as she fell into the wall and slid down it.

“I’m calling the Doctor,” Sonya announced worriedly as she grabbed her mobile and dialled.

“What’s he going to do?”  Najia twirled around to the younger sister.

“No, her. The Doctor,” she clarified. “Hey, Doctor, we need you. Be here as soon as you can yeah?”

“How do you have her number?”

“Don’t focus on that focus on your other daughter,” Sonya chastised. Before  Najia could however, the blonde rushed through the door.

“Yaz!” she pushed past her mum to kneel in front of the wide eyed, crying brunette. “Yaz, what’s wrong?”

“She did  it, Doctor,” Yaz said, almost hysterical.

“Did what? What did she do?”

“She broke the human mind,” she cried, closing her eyes as if it hurt to keep them open. “She... I can’t escape her...”

“Yaz, where are you now?”

“Room three.”

“No, that’s your mind. See? It’s not broken it’s just fixating on one horror but trust me, you’ll get through this. Please, open your eyes and you’ll see that you are home with your family and me. Please Yaz.”

“No,” she shook her head  fervently . “N-No I’ll-”

“You’ll what?” the Doctor asked urgently. “Get hurt? She’ll hurt you if you open your eyes?”

With a small whine she merely nodded. Sighing, the blonde pinched her on the hand making her yelp. “W-Wha-”

“See? You can get hurt with your eyes closed, now please open them. You’re not with her, you’re with us, okay? You’re safe.”

“Not safe,” she shook her head again, her grip on her arms tightening and she shrank back into the wall. “Not safe anywhere...”

“Yes, you are,” the Doctor reassured. “here you  ar -”

“How do I know what here is?”

Everyone went silent. The only sound you could hear was Yaz’s laboured breathes.

“What?” the Doctor asked softly.

“W-What if I never escaped?” Yaz stammered out. “What if this is what happened in room three? Is why I can’t remember? This is just... J-Just some coma state to show me what I’m missing? I’m still with her. It’s why I keep having nightmares, keep thinking something is wrong? What if all those phantom touches aren’t just that and she’s trying to traumatize me all over again. Trying to make me break....”

She expected to hear the Doctor protest against her terrifying theory. To hear some reassurance that she was just talking crazy, in her own head, that her tiredness was making her talk nonsense. It was just her anxiety going into overdrive. Yet nothing happened. Her sister or mum didn’t question anything, even the Doctor didn’t try to talk to her. Nothing. It was like time had stilled. Her heartbeat increased as her anxiety got the better of her. The silence was unbearable. She’d give anything to hear something right now. Even if it was Lilah or...

There was a small chuckle, one all too familiar. Terrifyingly familiar. Her eyes snapped open to see nothing but darkness and a figure leering over her.

“Clever girl.” 


	5. Weirdo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for panic attack/ptsd.

Yaz screamed awake, tumbling off of the sofa. The fall made her more alert and scramble onto her knees instantly, but the movement made her dizzy. Her chest heaved, and she panted as the headache and adrenaline subsided. Hesitantly, she opened her eyes to see her hands planted on her carpeted floor at home, however blurred they were. It hurt to breathe. Shaking, she blinked, adjusting to the light of the room. It was hard to see as tears dripped to the floor. She felt her body sway and she tried to keep upright, tried not to throw up. 

“Yaz?” she heard a very worried voice at her side. Jumping, she glanced up to see Sonya kneeled down beside her, one arm gently placed on her back. “Geez, you’re trembling like a leaf. Is there anything I can do?” 

Breathing heavily, it took a while to find her voice. “I-Is this real?” 

“W-What?” her sister asked, obviously caught off guard by the absurd question. 

“Is this r-real?” she turned to her, sniffling as she tried to control her breathing. “A-Am I... Is she...?” 

“Is who?” 

“M... P-Please Sonya,” she begged, voice cracking as she grabbed onto her sister’s shoulders. 

“This is real,” Sonya said, rather stunned. “Yaz, trust me this is real. You’re home.” 

“Am I though?” she looked down with a defeated sigh. 

“Yes, you are,” she assured, lightly holding onto her sister to steady her once she noticed her shaking again. “What can I do to convince you?” 

“Tell me something only Sonya would know,” Yaz said quickly as she snapped her head up at her. “Please.” 

“I am Sonya but uh, okay,” her sister hummed as she thought of something. Double checking nobody was going to walk through the door she sighed and turned to her. “Here’s something I bet only we know. Um, sorry to bring it up again tho-” 

“I don’t care-” 

“I was the first one who you came out to,” she blurted out, panicked by her sister’s state. Yaz stilled and stared at her, wide eyed. Hesitantly, she carried on. “You told me you might like Izzy Flint... A-And then all that stuff happened. And while I’m at it I’m pretty sure you like the Doctor.” 

Not even her parents or any friends knew about that, and she definitely wouldn’t have mentioned that to Mya or Lilah. Yaz visibly relaxed and had a look of relief as she stared at her. As she leaned back into the sofa, she pulled Sonya into a tight hug and leaned her head on her shoulder. 

“T-Thank you,” she sniffled. 

“I hope you’re okay now,” Sonya whispered as she hugged back. “Weirdo.” 

* * *

An hour later, and her parents coming into the flat with shopping, Yaz made her way to her room. They had put the rest of the flapjacks in a tin and talked about playing a game after dinner. Of course, Yaz wanted to, but after her nightmare and general feeling of anxiety, she wasn’t sure she was up for it. She guessed it would depend on her mood later. 

Since she had some time to herself, she decided to try to relax. That didn’t go too well. The more she was trying to calm herself down, the more she would end up fixating on the nightmare. She didn’t know if this was luck or not, but Sonya knocked on the door and peered her head through it slowly. 

“Hey,” she greeted rather timidly. 

“Hey?” 

“Can I come in?” 

“Sure,” Yaz shifted to sit up and gave her space on her bed, kicking the sheet away. She uncharacteristically stumbled in and closed the door, plonking down on the bed. 

“So,” she twisted her hands in her lap. “How are you now?” 

“Better than when I woke up,” she nodded slowly. She looked up at her sister, who looked rather nervous. “Sorry you had to see that Sonya-” 

“Don’t be,” she assured. “But... Do you really wake up like that all the time?” 

“Not all the time,” Yaz shook her head. “T-That was... Just one of the worst ones... It felt so real and I was very disoriented... It was scary.” 

“How often do you have ‘one of the worst ones’ by yourself?” Sonya asked cautiously. 

Yaz shifted, “Not a lot...” 

“Well,” her sister gingerly placed a hand on her lap. “If you need me to stay, or come to my room at any point, please say.” 

Yaz smiled gratefully at her, and put her hand on top of hers. “Thank you, Sonya, really. Let me guess, nobody needs to know about this?” 

“That’s right,” Sonya laughed. “I have a reputation, y’know.” 

“Of being the annoying sister?” Yaz giggled, earning a light punch to the shoulder. “It’s true though.” 

“Well, as long as you know that I actually care for you, then that’s all that matters.” 

Before she could thank her again, Najia came through the door. “Dinners done. Want to play Scrabble after?” 

“Really?” Sonya groaned. “Scrabble?” 

“What’s wrong with Scrabble?” 

Yaz could have sworn her sister glanced at her before answering. “It’s so boring.” 

“Just because it educates you!” Hakim shouted from the hall. 

Everyone laughed at that. Yaz got up from her bed and headed to the door, smiling back at her sister. “Scrabble sounds awesome.” 

They had their pakora, that was actually quite decent this time, and set up the Scrabble board. Hakim and Najia were sat together on one side, Sonya and Yaz on the other. Sonya went first with four tiles, and it went up to the oldest. After four rounds including the words ‘fired’, ‘redo’, ‘dense’, ‘deeper’, and ‘people’, ‘at’, ‘sin’, and 'anon', her dad set down a six-letter word to get the high score. The only problem with it was it made Yaz’s arms itch and her body freeze. 

“Deprivation!” Hakim said smugly once he set it down. “Does that put me in the lead?” 

Yaz stared at the word, even though she didn’t want to acknowledge it, but she couldn’t help it. She applied pressure on her forearms, digging her nails in. If it hurt, she didn’t feel it. Gulping, she squeezed her eyes shut for a few seconds, trying to calm herself down. 

“Yaz?” Sonya’s voice was gentle as she nudged her, yet laced with concern. At the tap on her arm she opened her eyes to see her family staring at her, worry written all over their features. “What’s wrong?” 

“I-I don’t know,” Yaz muttered, glancing between the word and her family. She didn’t know if it was the lack of sleep, being put on the spot, or the feeling of dread as her family members watched her, knowing they could never know, if not for their safety, then for their own piece of mind, that made her breathing ragged and her body weak as it trembled. 

It was hard to breathe. 

Sonya put a hand on her shoulder hesitantly. “Yaz please, what have we done?” 

There it was, that pang of guilt in her chest at Sonya worrying they had done something to cause this bout of panic. Sure, the word Hakim put down had triggered it, but it wasn’t his fault. He didn’t know. They didn’t need to know about that. 

Before she could respond, or at least calm herself enough to speak, she fell into Sonya, making her parents rush to her. All she could hear was her heart beating faster as her vision blurred, and muffled noises of her family’s concern, maybe a beeping of a phone. It was hard to focus. Hard to stay awake. She closed her eyes, still leaning into her sister, not being able to help herself. 

Second later she succumbed to the darkness. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I actually feel bad for Yaz now. She's been through so much in a day.


	6. Trapped in four walls

When Yaz awoke she found herself in a hospital bed. She looked around, immediately noticing how blue the walls looked compared to usual hospital rooms that she had been in before. It worried her for a moment, but she shifted and realised Sonya was resting on the bed, sleeping. That was reassuring. She shook her head, trying to get rid of the gnawing feeling that something was wrong, but just as she did, she noticed a tall black-haired woman walk pass the door. There was only one thought that went through her head at seeing her.

_ Mya. _

There was no logical way she was here, with her, just a wall away from her and her sister. If she were, she would have made herself known by now. Whichever way she knew it was impossible for Mya to just be lurking around. To be  _ here _ .

Yet, she was already panicking.

Yaz tried to calm herself down as she stared forward at her feet, not at the door. When she shuffled into a sitting  position she accidentally squeezed something in the crook of her arm. She paused. In her arms was a medium sized dog teddy with a blue plush collar. It reminded her of the TARDIS.

“The Doctor got you that,” she heard Sonya say as she sat up with a tired smile. “She got it from a shop on the way here, didn’t say where. Apparently, it would help calm you. She’s out in the waiting room, didn’t know if you would want to see her.”

She looked at the door and back down to the teddy, smiling slightly. “What’s the time?”

“It’s tomorrow and three o’clock in the afternoon.”

That had shocked her, knowing that she had stayed unconscious for a whole night. She couldn’t even stay asleep all night in her own home. She was thankful for Sonya’s response though; she knew her family would have side stepped the fact that it was the next day. As she thought about it, she noticed the absence of her parents.

“Mum at work?” she asked, turning back to her sister.

“Yeah, dad had to take her.”

“Didn’t you have work today?”

“Phoned up saying I wasn’t going in today,” she rolled her eyes when she saw her sister’s  disapproving glare. “I explained what happened, she said it was okay.” 

“Fine,” she sat back against the headboard. “Thanks for staying.” 

“No problem,” Sonya smiled back. She looked like she hadn’t slept, and was just waiting to ask something.

“Okay,” Yaz sighed. “Ask away.”

“What ar-”

“I know when you’ve got something on your mind, what is it?”

Sonya sighed, knowing playing dumb wasn’t going to work. “What was it Yaz?”

She shifted. “Just... Just the word t-that Dad used. It must’ve um, I dunno-”

“I know what it did Yaz,” she pointed out, yet she didn’t sound annoyed, just concerned. “Are there anymore triggers we should look out for?”

Yaz was taken aback by that. “Um, I-I uh...”

“Sorry,” Sonya apologised. “I don’t mean to push I just don’t want-”

“You don’t want to see it again, I get it-”

“No,” she interrupted. “I don’t want  _ you _ to go through that again.”

“Oh...”

“I’m worried okay? I’m your sister, I can’t help it.”

“I know,” Yaz chewed at her lip and blinked away her tears. Of course, she knew her sister cared for her, but it was still rather odd her being so blunt about it. It made her wonder how much had changed in those months she was away. How much they had all changed.

She still remembers her first day back on earth after being with Mya for so long. Sofia finding her, taking care of her. Her friends and family showing up. The Doctor showing up. How she had hated her. How she had been scared of her. Some nights there would still be a pang of guilt at being distant from her for all those months she was back, at all the times she snapped at someone for mentioning her.

It all still hurt.

She squeezed the teddy again, this time somewhat on purpose, and she suddenly felt a bit calmer. Not relaxed per say, but it seemed to distract her enough to stop her from spiralling.

“She’s still outside,” Sonya pulled her from her thoughts. “I can get her in here if you want, leave you two be? I can stretch my legs too while I’m at it.”

“Um, yeah, that’d be great, thanks,” she smiled at her. She couldn’t help but feel guilt at the fact Sonya stayed in the room all night with her, despite probably not being allowed to.

“Text if you need anything,” her sister smiled at her as she left the room. She merely nodded.

Now that she was alone, she looked at the dog, wondering if it was anything was strange about it. It wasn’t too surreal that a teddy would give her comfort, and have a collar that reminded her too much of the TARDIS, but that fast every time she feels like she is close to panicking? A bit suspicious.

“Hey,” the Doctor greeted softly from the door. “Your sister called me last night, told me what happened. Can I come in?”

“Yeah,” she grinned up at her. The blonde grinned in return and walked over to the chair that Sonya was previously sitting in. She looked relieved, like she was worried Yaz wouldn’t want to see her again. Had it really been that tough on her?

“You like the teddy then?”

That reminded her of her first question.

“Doctor,” Yaz started slowly, placing the teddy on her lap. She looked up at the blonde as she sat down in the chair. “Did you get me an alien?”

“No! No!” she raised her hands, clearly worried about the accusation.

“But it is alien?” she raised a brow, stroking the teddy idly as she waited for the explanation or excuse her friend was about to make up.

“Yes,” she admitted sheepishly, ducking her head down. That was odd, usually she would evade the question. “It’s supposed to calm you.”

Confused, Yaz glanced down at the teddy, examining it for a second before looking back up at her friend. “Please elaborate.”

“When you squeeze it,” the Doctor explained excitedly, like a child explaining their painting to their parents. “It gives off a calming effect and makes you, well, calm down, whether it be panic or anxiety, or just trying to sleep.”

“Doctor,” she breathed out, unsure of what to say. Again, she had done something so thoughtful that she never would have expected. Nobody would have expected. It once again threw the question of how she could be the destroyer of worlds. “I...”

“Yaz? Are you okay?” she asked worriedly, pushing herself off of the seat and reach for the bed.

“Y-Yeah,” she sniffed, noticing the tears running down her face. “I’m okay I... I don’t know what to say...”

“I don’t understand,” the blonde knelt down on the floor, cautiously placing her hand on her friend’s arm.

“This... This is so thoughtful Doctor...”

“Oh, uh, great. But what’s with the crying, has it-”

“Happy tears Doctor,” Yaz explained.

“Oh,” she looked surprised. “Oh, okay good.”

“ C’mere ,” she giggled slightly as she reached out to hug her, wrapping her arms around her back. Slowly, the Doctor hugged back. “Thank  you, Doctor .”

“No problem Yaz.”

* * *

After too many than she would have liked hours later, Yaz was out of the hospital and back in the apartment. She assured her parents that she was fine, but told them not to play scrabble for a while. They agreed instantly. Graham and Ryan came over not long after she was home, came to check in on her, see if she wanted to try the picnic tomorrow or just leave it for another day. She felt bad that it was now two days she had to suddenly cancel, although, she couldn’t help it the second time. Not that anyone was actually blaming her for it. She agreed to try next week, give herself some time to relax and prepare. Give herself time to get the nightmare out of her head.

The boys left after a cup of tea. Graham still felt awkward around Najia considering the apparent accusation she made when Yaz had come back, but she guessed it was probably because he was the oldest one in the room. He would usually have the Doctor around to take focus away and since they didn’t know her age exactly, it was easier to think that she was definitely older than him.

If what Mya said about her was anything to go by.

Yaz watched television with her family for the rest of the day. It was clear her parents wanted to ask questions, like they usually do, but they also knew it wasn’t the time. Yaz would explain what she knew another time, when it’s easier.

_ If it ever gets easier. _

She shook her head at that thought, catching the attention of Najia, who just looked concerned. She yawned, trying to cover it up with keeping herself awake. It worked when she smiled sheepishly at her mum, who just nodded and started cleaning up the mugs from the living room.

“Last episode for the night?” Sonya asked, clearly getting the hint from her mother.

“Think so, I have work in the morning, and so you do.”

Sonya merely nodded. Whether she did or somehow got out of it was another conversation. 

Hakim helped clean up. He had been rather quiet since the hospital, and still felt guilty for the scrabble incident, no matter how much Yaz assured him it wasn’t his fault. Not that they could pin-point whose fault it was anyway. 

Shortly after the episode ended her family went to bed. Well, except for Yaz, who stayed seated on the sofa. 

“Aren’t you tired?” Sonya asked as she stood up. “You were yawning before.”

“Yeah I, I might watch another episode,” she said, not wanting to admit that she just wanted to be left alone. That she didn’t want to go to her room. At least not yet.

“No spoilers then,” her sister sleepily called back, a hint of sarcasm in her voice.

“You’ve seen this before,” Yaz laughed.

“No for mum and dad then!”

She just rolled her eyes. “Night Sonya.”

“Night Yaz,” she smiled back at her before going into her room. Assuming she was going there.

Yaz decided to get comfortable on the sofa, seeing as she had no clue how long she would be awake for, but no matter how she sat or lay she just couldn’t. After a while she stood up and thought maybe a bit of movement would help.

She walked to the kitchen to get a drink but noticed the bag that they had put the things from the hospital in on the counter. Drinks and snacks from the café, and the teddy that the Doctor had bought her. She grabbed it from out the bag and looked over it. It looked normal, felt normal, even smelled normal, well, it had a hint of vanilla. The collar was so much like the TARDIS, she wondered if the Doctor got it custom made, or somehow made it herself.

Yaz smiled down at it, still in a bit of shock that the Doctor thought and found an alien object like this that could be seen as human. It was almost unbelievable that it was alien. She hugged it, and immediately felt a bit calmer than she had been before, and almost as tired as she was acting before.

_ Yeah, almost unbelievable. _

She held it as she sat down on the sofa and continued to watch the television show that was on. Half way through she had changed positions to leaning on the arm rest, her arm hanging off the edge, the other wrapped around the fluffy dog plush.

By the time the show ended she fell asleep.

* * *

“Yaz?” she heard her voice. She stirred as it pulled her out of her sleep. “Yaz!”

Jumping up, her eyes landed on the blonde in front of her. “D-Doctor?”

The Doctor stepped back.  “Sorry, you looked like you were having a nightmare.”

Behind her there was a light, and an unmistakable blue object. Yaz bolted up, suddenly awake. “Doctor,” she whispered harshly as not to wake anyone else up. “What is the TARDIS doing here?”

“I uh, wanted to take you somewhere,” she smiled sheepishly. 

“Somewhere? As in, not on Earth,” she asked warily, slowly swinging her legs to the floor to sit up.

“Yeah. But we’d just stay in the TARDIS,” she assured, clearly knowing where her mind was going. “It's more of a viewing thing.”

“Like the fireworks display on new year’s?”

“Exactly!” the Doctor grinned, only raising her voice a little too much. Yaz shushed her. She ducked her head, an apologetic look as she held her finger to her mouth and copied her.

She couldn’t help but giggle at that. “Okay fine, but I can’t be gone too long.”

“You’ll be back before anyone knew it,” she grinned as she opened the TARDIS door. “I promise.”

Yaz stretched as she stood up, and yawned before stepping inside. She took in the warmth of the console room, and the sight of it. It felt nice being in there for a  spontaneous trip to somewhere unknown, rather than just alien therapy appointments. It was nice. It was back to normal.

Well, almost back to normal.

The Doctor was silent as she typed in the coordinates to this mystery location. She seemed excited, but seeing Yaz having a nightmare could not have been a sight she wanted to see. Yaz could tell she still felt guilty for what happened to her, and was trying everything to make it up to her. Even breaking the TARDIS in the flat rule. Not that Yaz minded, she was just happy she didn’t wake anyone up.

“Nova 125,” the Doctor broke her out of her thoughts.

“Huh?”

“Nova 125,” she repeated. “It’s a galaxy that’s basically rainbow light reflecting off of everything but around once a millennium the lights change and it’s like a show. Very much like the new  year's thing I showed you lot but, better and rarer!”

“Are you trying to one-up yourself from last year?” Yaz laughed.

“Maybe?” she shrugged before rushing to the doors and opening them. “C’mon.”

She followed and sat down next to the Doctor, legs dangling out of the ship. The Doctor crossed her legs, like usual. All she saw was a reddish hue along the darkness, shining brighter around the stars. It was like an effect from editing but she knew it was real. She even saw the rainbows glinting off of the small lights she could only assume was a cluster of stars.

And then it happened.

There was a burst of light in the distance, not too bright, and not white either. It was a mixture of purples, pinks and reds, maybe even a bit of blue in there. It spread along the galaxy, swirling around, twinkling. It looked like a painting.

“It’s beautiful.”

“Thought you’d like it,” she grinned as she watched the lights. 

There it was. Something so simple that she thought Yaz would like, just to cheer her up. Sure, it may be out of guilt, but she would do this for anyone. She wondered why. For someone who talks a lot, she doesn’t really say anything. Not anything about her at least, not about her feelings.

“I really do,” she laughed slightly as she stared out, enamoured with the colours. “Think it was worth waking me up for.”

The blonde winced. “Sorry about that, but I did have the TARDIS’ sound off so nobody could hear it, also it’s a good thing I went in your living room instead of your bedroom. Didn’t want anything flying anywhere.”

“It’s okay Doctor, nobody woke up and we didn’t get caught, it’s fine.”

“Why weren’t you in your room?  Uncomfy bed? I can get you a new one-”

"It's all just rooms for me,” she sighed, frustrated. The Doctor stopped and looked at her, clearly concerned and wanting her to carry on.  Usually, a look like that would make her stop. Not this time though. “Trapped in four walls, never escaping. My bedroom, Lester’s therapy, Doctor’s office, Parry’s therapy room, the living room. The only thing close is the TARDIs but that reminds me of the seemingly infinite number of rooms at Mya’s."

The Doctor merely nodded, unsure of what to say. Unsure if she should speak.

The silence killed her. “Sorry, I don’t mean to-”

“Oh no, it’s okay,” she reassured. “I um, just don’t know what to say...”

“You don’t have to say anything Doctor,” she assured, yet couldn’t help the frustrated tone despite her being sincere in the statement. She needed to calm down. 

It fell silent after that. They just looked at the array of colours in the galaxy. It was nice that 

“Although, there is a room in the TARDIS that doesn’t look like one,” she said as she stared out to the stars. “No walls.”

“No walls?” that piqued her interest. “How?”

The Doctor grinned and stood up, and held her hand out. “I’ll show you, c’mon.”

A surprisingly short walk later they arrived at a red door. It didn’t have a handle or anything indicating what it was.

“Doctor, what is this?” Yaz asked warily.

“Not what it looks like,” she said as she opened it. “See?”

Confused, she peered in. She looked down to see nothing but the space around them below her, it was as if they were just at the doors of the TARDIS. “What-”

“You can stand on it,” the Doctor assured her as she walked forward. “See? It’s all floor, like glass if you will.”

“So, it’s like an invisible room?” Yaz questioned as she slowly stepped inside, or outside as it seemed. She looked around to see stars everywhere, and something that looked like a planet.

“Basically yes,” her friend agreed. “Oh! You see that planet there?”

She excitedly pointed at the planet that Yaz had been staring at. “Yeah.”

“It’s Ituno,” she grinned. “Well, not really, I haven’t stolen a planet, that’s illegal. But it’s a replica, sort of.”

“Are you going to talk to me about  Ituno or what?” Yaz asked with a grin, knowing that if the Doctor mentioned the planet  _ that _ excitedly, she wanted to discuss it. After the few days Yaz had had, she needed a distraction. One in a space about space is a good one too.

The Doctor looked as excitable as a puppy as she started to ramble on about the history of  Ituno . It was interesting, especially how she went into details when and how the planet changed its own colour to protect itself from invaders. It was fascinating to learn that world was sentient and the inhabitants worked with the world to live and help if there is anything wrong. The Doctor had paused a few times to make sure it was okay that she kept going, knowing how she can bore people, but Yaz encouraged her to carry on.

Afterall, everything about this was amazing.

What felt like hours and the whole history of  Ituno , Yaz got a sudden wave of exhaustion and yawned.

“Do you want to go home?”

She felt guilty at how quickly the Doctor changed her tone, but she must have noticed she had been talking for a long time. 

“Um, if you don’t mind?” she tried not to yawn again. “I would ask to stay but... I need some time to get used to this.”

“Yeah, I understand,” she nodded as she stood up. “If you ever need someone to talk about planets with, I’m just a call away.”

That reminded Yaz of something. “Speaking of calls, how did Sonya get your number?”

“Oh, she asked for it the last I saw her-”

“When did you last see her?”

“Few weeks ago? Besides yesterday of course,” she explained as she walked out. “It’s okay that she has it yeah?”

“Yeah, it’s fine,” Yaz followed her out to the console room. “Just, unexpected, is all.”

The Doctor nodded and pulled the lever on the console after pressing a button. It didn’t take long for them to land quietly back into the living room.

“Back home, ten minutes after you left,” she announced.

Yaz yawned again as she walked over to the doors. “Thank you, Doctor, a lot.”

“Worth waking you up for?” the blonde asked with a smile as she took a few steps from the console, shoving her hands in her coat pockets.

“Definitely,” she grinned as she walked out.

“Yaz?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally figured out how to continue this story and slowly getting back into writing.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!  
> Kudos and Comments are greatly appreciated!


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